I am Dr. Nick Buck, renowned scholar of invertebrate biology, possessing both a Masters and PhD in entomology from Harper University and the University of Reading in the United Kingdom.
In my infrequent moments away from the laboratory, studying the spotted-wing Drosophila at University of California, Davis, I amuse myself with American Football.
After countless hours of painstaking research, I have assembled the definitive assessment of the insectoid analogs to each and every National Football League franchise, and am pleased to share my findings with you forthwith.
It is my hope that readers have the intellectual fortitude to utilize these analyses to effectively compare NFL teams with the fascinating and disgusting creatures which dominate the micro-ecosystems we so rely on. For example, on the gridiron one often hears about the spine of a defense. Players can suffer spinal injuries. Coaches are criticized for making spineless decisions. But what if you really did not have a spine? Would football want nothing to do with you?
I love invertebrates in all forms. Having grown up observing ants, butterflies, beetles and more through a magnifying glass in a leafy suburb of Greater London, I’ve always been interested in the little things that keep our ecosystems ticking.
Rivers Lake is pleased to elevate the American football body of knowledge this manner. Look for an analysis on each team in this space over the coming months, and do not hesitate to subscribe.
The Atlanta Falcons
Both are commonly observed eating shit and never seem to do much. They’re just there. Even stalwarts like the 2016 team that built a 28-3 lead over the Patriots in the Super Bowl eventually fall back to earth. (A team that the Chargers beat in overtime 33-30 in Atlanta.)
The current iteration will probably make the playoffs by winning what is the most putrid of divisions, the NFC South, and proceed to lose with haste.
Known as the New York of the South, Atlanta is the considered the crown jewel of a part of the country that we don't typically boast about.
Houseflies play an important ecological role by recycling organic matter. Adults are mainly carnivores; their primary food is waste, animal remains, and feces, but they also consume milk, sugary substances, and rotting vegetation—think New Orleans Saints, Carolina Panthers, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Solids are softened with saliva before being sucked up. See Jeff Goldblum in THE FLY (1986).
The Falcons crowd is known to break into a Swag Surf when things are going well. It is a spontaneous and communal act of joy. A fly's larval development takes approximately two weeks, under optimal conditions, or up to 30 days or longer in cooler conditions.
Which, if you think about it, is longer than it took Kirk Cousins to ingratiate himself to the locals by leading this.
The Arizona Cardinals
Snails are a lot of different things. They serve a variety of functions within an ecosystem, becoming a food source, pollinators, decomposers, and aid in the nutrification of soil. Maintaining an ecosystem’s balance and health is what snails do! These middle-tier contenders do the same thing for the NFC West.
But, snails are mollusks! We're cheating right out of the gate!
While not an insect, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to compare the Cardinals to one of the cardinal’s favorite foods: the trusty snail.
Since our taxonomy exercise will drop in alphabetical order (Get it? Alpha?), the first bug out of our lab is already bending the rules and leaving a slimy trail.
As the Cardinals are the oldest NFL team without a Super Bowl win, the snail is known to have coexisted with dinosaurs, often not getting up to anything notable aside from eating crops. Such longevity should make them a legacy franchise, but instead they became as dull as dishwater. What pests!
Next Week the Kansas City Chiefs!
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